THE ART OF SELF-HEALING Walking the path with Tamara as my guide and trusted mentor.

For this blog I wanted to write about Tamara in a different way, where I traversed into unknown territory of the becoming aware of Self-Healing.

Light language (which for a very long time I described as dance-like movements of healing before knowing this is light language, with mostly my arms and at times upper body) was one of the crucial tools as well as the power of words and vibrational chant/sound.  I discovered this solely due to Tamara’s prompting and loyal visitations from the beyond.

If anyone ever was the truest guiding influence that brought me to myself and my healing powers it is that beautiful person.

The moment I found out through Natalie and Robert in the UK that Tamara had passed over roughly 6 months before, I plunged into severe self doubt.  I had been working with her almost uninterrupted during that time and couldn’t fathom how she managed while dying of the lethal medical treatment her husband decided she should undergo.  Natalie in the UK was angry and grief stricken it had come to this.

I decided I had to try and talk to Tamara one way or another and figure this out.

As a child and adolescent I had witnessed my mother’s interest in such intriguing personalities like Rosemary Brown, spiritual medium of classical composers from the beyond, reading her biography of her life - and work with some composers while she couldn’t play an instrument or read music.  We were fascinated by the means of communication applied to tell her children their deceased father was visiting (he would switch the lights off and on several times to make his presence known), while she practiced telepathic communication with him.  Years later when my brother died, we went in the bedroom where he passed over and made a tape for the one brother who was living in the US during that year and didn’t know what happened.  As we were all seated the lights went off and on several times and we instantly knew and felt my passed over brother’s presence.  None of us where able or thought of trying to communicate, but just the fact that we felt him being there had an impact on us all and the tape we made that evening.

These personal experiences were the key that opened the door to the possibility to “receive messages” telepathically.  This said however, I never sought to experiment with this for the sake of it.  Also, in the years gone by, I only ever practiced this with either passed over family members or Tamara.   

At first I found this kind of communication very effortful, not in the least because of the state of my body, as well as  the kind of world we where living in at that time (80s & 90s).

It took a very long time to trust my ability in this way, and mostly to be the receiver of messages and thus the go-between for other family members besides myself, not always easy I can assure you.

But when the news of Tamara’s death and the manner of it reached me, I made the exception to be the instigator of a communication with the Beyond.

Tamara answered my probing questions by saying : 

“I had decided to drop my body as it got in the way of my work, the need to eat and sleep and the care of it.  I am here until I finish my work with you and two other of my patients who are open as you are”. 

This made clear to me that Tamara did die of her own soul-volition.

As a side note : I also heard from Natalie that Tamara was around in spirit, pushing Natalie to solve the problem of her seriously physically disabled son in Siberia.  She didn’t want to leave him with her husband, nor her first born, both of whom were of the opinion that he should have died rather then be brought back to life by Tamara.  In other words she would not have moved on as long as her son’s future wasn’t secured in an acceptable way.

This started a very long collaboration between us.  At first it would be nightly visits.  I would be wide awake while my husband was totally oblivious in deep sleep and Tamara would come in with Ra center contractions and then healing movements would follow.  I couldn’t relax as I was vigilant fearing my husband would surprise me by waking up suddenly and ask me what I was doing.  But Tamara would say, “don’t worry he is in a deep sleep and I make sure he doesn’t wake up”.   I often went into my guest room nevertheless as I felt more free to move and go within, without him surprising me I don’t know if he ever noticed I was absent from our bed for a few hours at night.

I was at the peak of health on compromised kidneys and only dependant on blood pressure medication one summer some time in the mid-2000s.  I had recovered a lot of lost ground after my two HUS and felt I was ready to try out to heal my kidneys to the point that I no longer would need blood pressure medication, the only medication I was on (I had weaned myself off diuretics and one of two hypertension meds replacing it with herbal teas/supplements and diet). Tamara proposed a deeper healing : which entailed a “reverse experience” of among others childhood diseases, as well as any remnants of a bronchitis from 1990  + the acute lung infection while hospitalised in 1994, all which she explained to me were never sickened out properly.

At first I stopped my hypertension medication and was searching for a way to balance the body out with the help of Tamara so I wouldn’t need them anymore.  What the experiment actually was about was the matter of unconditional trust, in her guidance and in my abilities.  This has been a very long learning curve with lots of failing and retrying, as well as the struggle with Ego and its place in my decision making.  

These were very different times and I was an inexperienced and rather naive hopeful who still had to learn what it takes and how long the journey of self-healing is we are travelling and to what purpose.

How personal progress and learning is intrinsically linked with the collective consciousness of humanity  as well as earth one of the life givers that sustains us. (Something I only started to truly understand thanks to Susan Oros in 2022).

I kept up the no medication for about 3 months, then went back on blood pressure meds but they didn’t work in my body anymore.

Over that summer however while on various holidays I went through hell, literally not sleeping for a few weeks on end, going through coughing up very old phlegm simulating bronchitis, for a few days each : simulating mumps  (I had it in both ears as a child, one of my most extreme experiences of pain), thyroid detox (I knew this was next and told my husband “wait until thyroid detox, my eyelids will be heavy in reaction” and so they did) and other which I can’t recall.  The lungs however where the biggest challenge and the heart.  Tamara told me not to check blood pressure as it would alarm me, but that she was holding my heart and nothing bad would happen.  I was however to the point of severe exhaustion and just had this idea it was all worth it if I came out the other end all healed and happy…..

This was however not what we were doing.  As I had lived a few lifetimes with failing kidneys always managing to live with such a condition on my own powers so to speak, this lifetime I was to go one step further and do a transplant.  Not because it is such a great solution, on the contrary it was time to question these methods and the dependency on medication and direction the medical establishment is taking with the human body (a.i. Transplant with dead as well as, life donors).

If at the time I would have known this was what I was preparing for, I would have given up and not gone through with any of it.

At some point I stopped my intense work with Tamara, was very angry and became very mistrusting when I realised I wasn’t going to be all healed by the end of this “experiment”.

I had no contact for a number of years.  I tried to regain quality of life as much as I could on my own with my own tools like diet, exercise, herbal supplements and teas, a trip to India for a 25 day treatment in an Ayurvedic hospital in New Delhi and eventually, intense acupuncture with the incredible Chinese Doctor Ji Liang in London.  

When I came to the point of needing a transplant in 2009  I communicated with Tamara about the need of it and that I only wanted to do this if really necessary and only if my mother was the donor.  I reasoned my mother gave me life and if I could accept such a gift from anyone it could only be my mother.  I say this because my mother was desperate to be my donor if this meant she could prolong my life that way.

The other desperate vyer to be my kidney donor was my then husband.  Between them they argued to be the one.  So to appease my husband I said, let my mother do this as she doesn’t want you to risk your life while she has lived hers and doesn’t mind the big risk this poses for the donor, you can be the backup plan if in future I need a second one.  This was only to convince him, not because I really was planning on having more then one transplant.  To my mother I said, “I want you to explain to all your other children what the risks are for you and ask them if they are ok with it”.  I didn’t want anyone to blame me for any possible problems my mother might have or even not survive the transplant operation.  Something with which I myself had to come to terms with, I still needed to decide if I wanted to go through with this.

My mother did contact all my siblings, but rather then asking how they felt she told them this is what she was going to do.  I still don’t know how my family felt at the time, it must have been challenging.

In 2009 in the Netherlands medical tests took 6 months to a year and psychological and motivational reasons where also researched thoroughly.  You had to be very motivated as a donor as well as a receiver to go through with it.  The medical team also give both parties a way out until the last moment if there are doubts or regrets before the operation takes place.

My mother was 78 going on 79 at the time, yet while tests where done, she acted and looked 20 years younger.  She was convinced this was her destiny and all ready to go forward.  She always thrived on having a worthy purpose (not a cause, she wasn’t the crusader personality, rather a gentle warrior in service and with great no nonsense love about her).

It however wasn’t to be, my mother was rejected and husband was chosen.  I was very troubled by this and disappointed, so I contacted Tamara who’s answer was : “Costa very much wants to give you his kidney so allow him this gift, with his kidney you will be able to live an independent life, with your mothers kidney you won’t as you will only have 30% kidney function at best.”  This was so unexpected and such a reality check for me.  As always she only gave me the info I could handle at that time. 

After the operation Tamara visited and explained so much : “this gift was a karmic agreement you made between you, it is an all-in-one settling of karmic debt by him.  You have cared for him in many ways and guises over many lifetimes, now he is allowed to settle the debt in this way and both of you can be released from the karmic dynamic between you.”  And “when we did the childhood disease reversal clearing of all that wasn’t sickened out properly, I couldn’t tell you what we were preparing for, you would never have accepted the possibility of a transplant.  That experiment though was the only way I could prepare you for this step, without it, it would not have been successful as the necessary immune suppression with medication would have triggered so many unresolved issues in your body which would have caused rejection”.

She was right, even at that point in my life I actually really didn’t want to do the kidney transplant, I was fully resigned with dying early in life, I used to say if the kidneys give up, we all go (meaning the whole body).

The only reason I did the transplant was for my mother, whom already lost a child at a very young age and was not ready to loose another as well as my then husband who also absolutely didn’t want to let go of me.

My HS also came in and made clear that the donated kidney was a gift not to be returned through RRO as per agreement between us, and that my now ex-husband would always feel the need to care for me where I needed his help or support throughout this lifetime as it was his wish to take care of me as I took care of him over several lifetimes, it was a karma contract of debt clearing that I also had to allow through the receiving of this gift.  Accepting such a gift can also be “the greater gesture” especially when it is easier to give then to receive, the way it is for me.

Nevertheless, a feeling of great finality, of a chapter closing without the possibility to go back came over me right after the transplant.  I knew that the relationship with my then husband would end now that this final act we did together was completed.  A very strange thing to feel when you just underwent an transplant operation together, where for most people this would mean an unbreakable bond (a feeling of being beholden by the receiver) between the people involved.

Tamara also said this about it : “ you will become much closer for a time, yet eventually you will go your separate ways”.  In other words, a freedom for both of us from each other. 

My ex husband has said to me one of the reasons he wanted to be my donor was to give me a chance to be independent, to have the energy to live a full life and for him to also be free to live his life without the worry of me, so you see he said, it is for selfish reasons too.  I know he confessed to this for me to feel better about it and to accept to undergo this next step.

If anyone was ever a perfect organ donor, it certainly was my ex-husband, very big hearted man.

 I know however that undergoing a transplant for the love of others and for others rather then one’s own wish to live on, isn’t the right way to go about it.  There is so much possibility of Victim-Victimiser/Saviour-Martyr cycles sidetracking.  Thankfully this was not a trap my ex-husband and I fell into, at least not from his side, I have struggled for quite a while with feelings of guilt and regret that I did do it.  Until I received messages from the beyond to help me understand and heal from this trauma,

For example : a Methaphysical healing session with Mary Helen Hensley (in Oct. 2017) that in the 19th century in one of the battles for the independence of Montenegro from ottoman rule, in which we got inadvertently mixed up, through circumstances I gave up my 19 year old life in order for my close cousin to live.  That cousin is now my ex-husband in this lifetime.  Knowing such things has helped me tremendously with my struggle to accept this gesture from my ex husband, it also explains the very amicable bond we have beyond divorce.  We took our time to actually end our marriage, I needed to learn a few things about taking and enjoying ones independence before we actually separated in 2019 and officially “un-married” in 2023.  

In the years following the transplant, Tamara and I worked together again in firm friendship as pupil and mentor.  After the kidney transplant in 2009, the healing sessions happened either when going to bed (usually several hours) or when taking a bath which became healing work experiences, with vibrational chanting and affirmations.  Often baths became healing baths, in any case I always use salts and aromatherapy in them, but Tamara brought an extra healing dimension to it in collaboration with my higher Self.

I now realise that my choices of aromatherapy and the use of Black Indian Salt crystals (high in sulphurs, also called Himalayan black salt or Sulemani namak) would determine what kind of healing would take place.

What was all that healing in aid of you might ask.  What was the point if I still had to have a transplant and or now am on dialysis in the process of growing a new kidney? 

First of all as long as I was married and lived between London and Amsterdam I managed more or less to keep up with my high achieving hyperactive ADHD partner in life, and still participated in some of the demands of his work in the music industry as well as his very restless nature, to be his “partner in life and crime” , I needed a lot of health enhancing support, or I would have simply withered and died a “natural death by life-force failure”.  

Second, if anything has ever been my sense of purpose from the age of 30 onwards until today, 30 years of service, it has always been one way or another to understand, to acquire the knowledge of healing and eventually the spiritual link to “the next level” of understanding our consciousness.  And so my body became my life experiment/learning, my vehicle to my own seeking of the holy grail.  A quest I now know is everlasting.

The work I did in the last phase with Tamara had a two-fold purpose : for me to trust my own self-healing skills as well as for our collaboration to come to an end where she had fulfilled her purpose in my life as a healer. 

Post transplant, during the last months that we worked together and where doing “the usual” at some point she said she had taught me all she could, her words where : “only you can heal yourself, my task was to teach you about the healing powers you possess and how to apply them”,  I was now flying solo…

I didn’t understand at first and said, “but this is not something I can do by myself”.  She answered : you have been doing the healings sessions all by yourself for the last few weeks, I only have been standing by your side observing, but not participating”.  The connection to work under guidance from then on has been with Higher Self until I met the next level of healing assistance : Chastity, Ermond, Susan, talk about “godsend”, isn’t the universe magnificent ?!